Scandal

Corporation, def'n: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility. - The Devils Dictionary 1906 "When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of this mess I am in now he thought for a long time and said, 'Yes, death would help'." -Robert Morley "I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons." -Douglas Adams "A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation." -Howard Scott "I do not remember in my whole life I ever willfully misrepresented anything to anybody at any time. I have never knowingly had connection with a fraudulent scheme." -J. Pierpont Morgan (1837-1913) US founder of J. P. Morgan & Co. "Scandal is what one half of the world takes pleasure inventing, and the other half in believing." -Paul Chatfield "Everybody says it, and what everybody says must be true." -Cooper James Fenimore "I think everybody is covering their posteriors with the Enron scandal and it was very convenient that Sept. 11 came along to deflect the fact that they should never have been in the White House in the first place. What happened in the election was completely corrupt." -Sandra Bernhard "Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'" -Craig Kilborn "President Bush's economic plan will create 2.5 million new jobs. The bad news, they are all for Iraqi soldiers." -Craig Kilborn "The Security and Exchanges Commission is going to be investigating Vice President Dick Cheney. They'll begin that investigation as soon as Congress finishes investigating the Security and Exchanges Commission." -David Letterman "Bush said we're going after white-collar criminals and I'm thinking 'Gee I wish the Catholic church would do that.'" -David Letterman "President Bush said today that he is ready to send corporate CEOs to prison and to the tough ones. You know, the ones that only have nine golf holes and not the full eighteen." -Jay Leno "The corporate scandals are getting bigger and bigger. In a speech on Wall Street, President Bush spoke out on corporate responsibility, and he warned executives not to cook the books. Afterwards, Martha Stewart said the correct term was to saute the books." -Conan O'Brien "Things are not looking good for Martha Stewart. Her stock was down 23 percent yesterday. Wow, that dropped quicker than Dick Cheney after a double-cheeseburger." -Jay Leno "First Enron, then Tyco and now WorldCom. How come all these companies are off billions in their accounting and nothing ever happens to them? If you bounce a $15 check at the Quickmart, the feds are at your door!" -Jay Leno "A grand jury is investigating the bankruptcy of K-Mart. Why? Is there any big mystery there? They sold a bunch of cheap crap and nobody bought it." -Jay Leno "You know, there was that controversial terrorist memo that never got to President George W. Bush. Well, they finally figured out what happened. Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shredded them with some Enron documents." -David Letterman " Playboy magazine is now doing a 'Women of Enron' pictorial spread. ... Apparently the only thing these women have left to shred is their dignity." -Jay Leno "President Bush is leaving the White House for a vacation. He's taking a month off. Yeah, take a break, you deserve it. But aides say that while on vacation, Bush will continue to make two or three speeches a week to make sure that the market keeps crashing." -Jay Leno "This might be getting serious. The Security and Exchanges Commission is going to be investigating Vice President Dick Cheney. They'll begin that investigation as soon as Congress finishes investigating the Security and Exchanges Commission." -David Letterman "The big rumor now in Washington is that President Bush is ready to invade Iraq . What we should do is take the CEO's of Enron, WorldCom, and Adelphia, drop them into Iraq and let them have at the infrastructure. Within a few days the country will be ruined." -Jay Leno "President Bush was on Wall Street giving a speech on corporate responsibility. He called for the doubling of punishment for corporate crime. That means they will slap you on both wrists apparently." -Jay Leno "President Bush was in New York City this afternoon. He was giving a speech imploring people to crack down on accounting fraud, lashing out and attacking accounting fraud. And I am thinking to myself, 'Hey wait a minute, isn't that how he got elected?'" -David Letterman "Earlier this week the Senate voted 97-to-0 for tougher regulations. For example, when corporations buy a senator, they must now get a receipt." -Jay Leno "The economy is in big trouble. Yesterday in a big speech, President Bush said the economy was still getting over the hangover from the 90's. And then, the president admitted he was still getting over his hangover from the 80's." -Conan O'Brien

David Beckham’s Goldenballs caused pandemonium in San Fransico yesterday. Traffic was literally bought to a standstill when a saucy new ad campaign was unveiled depicting David Beckham in skimpy Emporio Armani underwear. Women and men alike gawped at the poster, which is hanging on the side of Macy’s department store, with unbridled pleasure and jealously. Guess which MALE celebrity recently confessed to having a little crush on David… You guessed it, it’s Craig, ‘I’m completely straight and totally don’t pluck my eyebrows’ David. Who would’ve thought?! In a recent interview Craig was asked which male celebrities he had a crush on: "It’d have to be BRAD PITT. Or DAVID BECKHAM — they’re hot! You can’t deny it. Every guy in the world thinks so." Don’t worry though, Craig’s absolutely 100% straight, honestly, we promise. Like every heterosexual man he just loves going to the gym, singing, dancing and plucking his eyebrows…